How to Love the Unlovable

Some people are just hard to love. Maybe it's a coworker who's always negative. A family member who constantly criticizes you. A neighbor who makes life difficult. We all have people in our lives who push our buttons and test our patience. The natural response is to avoid them, push back, or write them off completely. But God calls us to something different—something much harder. He calls us to love even the people who seem unlovable. This doesn't mean we have to like their behavior or let them hurt us. But it does mean we're called to show them the same grace God has shown us.

The Foundation: We Were Unlovable Too

Before we can learn to love difficult people, we need to remember an important truth. At one point, we were the difficult ones. Before we knew God, we were separated from Him by our sin. We didn't deserve His love. But He loved us anyway.

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

— Romans 5:8

This verse is powerful because it shows us when God loved us. Not after we got our act together. Not after we became good people. While we were still sinners—while we were still messing up, still selfish, still difficult—Christ died for us. If God could love us when we were unlovable, then He can help us love others who seem unlovable too.

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

— Ephesians 4:31-32

Notice the pattern here. We're told to get rid of negative attitudes and replace them with kindness and forgiveness. But the reason given is important: "just as in Christ God forgave you." We forgive others because we've been forgiven. We show compassion because we've received compassion. When someone seems unlovable, remember how much you've been forgiven for.

What "Loving the Unlovable" Doesn't Mean

Loving difficult people doesn't mean letting them abuse you. It doesn't mean having no boundaries. It doesn't mean pretending their hurtful behavior is okay. God never asks us to stay in dangerous situations or to enable someone's destructive choices.

What it does mean is that we choose to respond with grace instead of revenge. We set healthy boundaries without hatred in our hearts. We pray for their good even when they don't deserve it. We see them as people God loves, even when we struggle to like them ourselves.

Jesus' Radical Command

Jesus didn't just suggest we love difficult people. He commanded it. And He went even further than we might expect.

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven."

— Matthew 5:43-45

Jesus takes it to the extreme here. He's not just talking about loving people who are mildly annoying. He's talking about enemies—people who actively oppose you and want to hurt you. The old rule was love your friends and hate your enemies. Jesus says no, love your enemies too. This is what sets His followers apart. Anyone can love people who are easy to love. But loving your enemies? That's different. That's radical. That's Christ-like.

"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that."

— Luke 6:32-33

Jesus makes a great point here. There's nothing special about loving people who already love you back. Everybody does that. The real test of Christian love is how we treat people who don't love us back. People who are difficult, ungrateful, or even hostile. That's when our love shows that it comes from God and not just from our natural feelings.

The Power of Blessing Over Cursing

When someone treats us badly, our first instinct is to respond in kind. They hurt us, so we want to hurt them back. They talk bad about us, so we talk bad about them. But God calls us to a different response.

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse."

— Romans 12:14

This is one of the hardest commands in the Bible. When someone persecutes you—mistreats you, talks badly about you, makes your life hard—you're supposed to bless them. That means speaking well of them, praying for their good, and wishing them well. It goes against everything in us. But this is how we break the cycle of hurt and hatred.

"Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath."

— Romans 12:17-19

This passage gives us clear instructions. Don't repay evil with evil. Do what's right, even when others don't. Try to live at peace with everyone as much as you can. Notice it says "as far as it depends on you." Sometimes peace isn't possible because the other person won't cooperate. But you do your part. And don't take revenge. Why? Because God will handle justice. That's His job, not yours.

Why Blessing Works Better Than Cursing

When you curse someone—speak badly about them, wish them harm, respond with anger—you end up hurting yourself. Bitterness and hatred eat away at your own heart. They steal your peace and joy. But when you choose to bless someone instead, something changes. Not always in them, but definitely in you.

Blessing doesn't mean they win or that what they did was okay. It means you refuse to let their behavior make you bitter. You refuse to become like them. You choose to act like Christ instead of reacting like the world. And sometimes, your blessing might even change their heart.

Practical Steps to Loving Difficult People

Understanding that we should love difficult people is one thing. Actually doing it is another. Here are some practical steps that can help:

Pray for them regularly: This is the first and most important step. When you pray for someone, something happens in your heart. It's hard to hate someone you're regularly bringing before God in prayer. Ask God to bless them, to work in their life, and to help you see them the way He sees them. Even if you don't feel like it at first, keep praying. Your feelings will follow.
Remember they're hurting too: Hurt people hurt people. When someone is difficult, it's often because they're dealing with their own pain, insecurity, or problems. This doesn't excuse their behavior, but it can help you have compassion for them. They might be lashing out because they're scared or wounded. Try to see past their behavior to the hurting person underneath.
Set healthy boundaries: Loving someone doesn't mean letting them walk all over you. You can love someone and still say no. You can care about someone and still protect yourself from their toxic behavior. Jesus set boundaries with people all the time. He walked away from hostile crowds. He didn't let people manipulate Him. Set clear boundaries about what you will and won't accept, then stick to them with kindness but firmness.
Look for small ways to show kindness: You don't have to be their best friend. But you can show small acts of kindness when you have the chance. A smile instead of a frown. A helpful gesture. A kind word. These small things add up and they keep your own heart soft. Plus, they might surprise the difficult person and make them think twice about their behavior.
Don't gossip about them: When someone makes life difficult, it's tempting to complain about them to others. But gossip only makes things worse. It spreads negativity, damages their reputation, and hardens your own heart against them. If you need to talk about the situation, do it with a trusted friend or counselor who can help you respond in a healthy way. But don't badmouth the person behind their back.
Ask God to change your heart: Be honest with God. Tell Him you're struggling to love this person. Ask Him to give you His love for them because you don't have it on your own. God can change your heart in ways you can't. He can give you compassion where you felt only frustration. He can help you see them through His eyes instead of your own.

When Love Means Distance

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is create some distance. This is especially true in toxic or abusive relationships. Love doesn't always mean staying close to someone who's harmful to you.

"Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character.'"

— 1 Corinthians 15:33

The Bible is clear that the people we spend time with influence us. If someone is constantly negative, destructive, or pulling you away from God, it's wise to limit your time with them. This isn't hateful—it's protective. You can still pray for them and wish them well from a distance. You can still forgive them in your heart. But you don't have to give them constant access to your life.

"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

— Romans 12:18

Notice the phrase "as far as it depends on you." You're responsible for your actions, not theirs. You can do your part to pursue peace, but sometimes peace isn't possible because the other person won't cooperate. When that happens, you've done what you can. You can step back with a clear conscience knowing you tried. Sometimes loving someone from a distance is the healthiest option for everyone involved.

The Example of Jesus

When we struggle to love difficult people, we can look to Jesus. He perfectly demonstrated what it means to love the unlovable.

"Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

— Luke 23:34

Jesus spoke these words while He was being crucified. The people He was praying for had just beaten Him, mocked Him, and nailed Him to a cross. In His moment of greatest suffering, He prayed for them. He asked God to forgive them. If Jesus could do that for the people killing Him, we can ask Him to help us love the difficult people in our lives. We can't do it on our own, but with His help, we can.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

— John 13:34-35

Jesus makes it clear that love is the mark of His followers. Not knowledge. Not having all the answers. Not being perfect. Love. And specifically, loving like He loved. How did Jesus love? He loved sacrificially. He loved people who didn't deserve it. He loved people who rejected Him. He loved people who were difficult and frustrating. When we love like that, people can see that we belong to Jesus.

The Ultimate Reason to Love

At the end of the day, we love difficult people not because they deserve it, not because it's easy, and not even because it makes us feel good. We love them because we've been loved by God.

"We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen."

— 1 John 4:19-20

This verse connects our love for God with our love for others. It's actually impossible to truly love God while hating the people around us. If we say we love God but refuse to love our fellow human beings, we're lying to ourselves. Our love for others flows from God's love for us. He loved us first, when we were unlovable. Now we pass that love on to others, even when they're hard to love.

Conclusion

Loving difficult people is one of the hardest things God asks us to do. It goes against our nature. It feels unfair. It doesn't always work out the way we hope. But it's still what we're called to do.

Remember that you're not doing this in your own strength. You can't manufacture love for someone who drives you crazy. But God can give you His love for them. You can't change your heart toward someone who's hurt you. But God can soften your heart. This isn't about being a doormat or pretending everything is fine. It's about choosing grace over bitterness. Choosing blessing over cursing. Choosing to respond like Jesus instead of reacting like the world.

When you're struggling with a difficult person, remember these truths. Remember that you were difficult once too, and God loved you anyway. Remember that Jesus loved His enemies all the way to the cross. Remember that God can give you the strength to love when you can't do it on your own. Remember that sometimes love means creating healthy distance. And remember that your love for difficult people shows the world that you belong to Jesus.

It won't be easy. Some days you'll fail at it. But keep trying. Keep praying. Keep asking God to help you see that difficult person through His eyes. Little by little, your heart will change. And who knows? Maybe your love will be the thing that helps change their heart too. Even if it doesn't, you'll have the peace of knowing you did what God asked you to do. And that's what matters most.